| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|06:25 am] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| |  empty | ] |
| [ | the voices in my head are singing |
| | AFI ... But Nowhere Is Home | ] |
im searching for you... im alone, and im scared... im filled with anger and regret.... and im searching for you to lead me to a better tomorrow... in hopes id forget the past from which i came...i hate myself for believing in a farie tales they filled me with... the false hope that something better was bound to come to a place so bleek and forgotten.... but im alone and im scared... im filled with anger and regret...and im searching for you... they ask if im ok and my mind is screaming no why cant you see it im hurt, and im boken and im forgotten adn alone why cant you hear me screaming why am i all alone why is it so hard for me to live why arnt i beautiful WHY CANT YOU HEAR ME.... but i muster up the best smile i can and move forward with a life i hate... searching for you.. the one i can love.... the one i can be with forever... i look in the mirror nad i konw you not comming cause there is no hope of a better tomorrow.... itll be cold when the world ends and everybody will be dead... why is it that this place is here with me now i dont know but untill the tomorrows sun graces me with a slap in the face... im stuck in my prison....why does this world suck so much |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|06:27 am] |
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i feel dead....my heart is beating but i feel dead...i want a bf but not robert...i know what i want but its someone im not supposed to want... oh well... |
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| bandaids anyone?? |
[Dec. 29th, 2005|01:40 am] |
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i miss him...i miss his voice, i miss his touch, i miss him...the difference between now and then is its not a mournful miss its more of missing a friend. its not hard any more. now that i realize why i loved him and what about him leaving made it hurt so bad its alot esier to move on. i miss the closeness i had with him, i miss feeling like i wasnt alone in the world... i miss the sence of self i felt when i was with him. i lost myself and who i was and i think i found it. im better now, i put up the wall that he worked so hard taking down. yes i hate to loose myself in a relationship, but i guess this time was a wake up call to let myself know that i need to change... i want to see him agai before he leaves but i want to have fun, not get on his case. he finally realized how i felt and that was my goal. now i just want to chill with him, after all he knows my deepest darkest secret. he saw what i have carefully garuded and carefully disguised. but in a sence he kinda fixed it, im done crying over it, im done spending time on it i want to be free now and just be there for him, he needs to find himself... hes been lost for years and he need to be found....as a friend... i think i need to help |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2005|05:40 am] |
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well...bastion called like 10 minutes ago... i hate to admit it but i still love the fucker...i keep having dreams about him, and we still love each other, and the world is good and then i wake up and realize that the man i loved is dead to me. all i want for christmas is someone to love me who wont hurt me, who wont break up with me and merry my best friend, someone who wont leave, someone to wake up to, someone who knows my secret....my very bad secrt that has killed me for years. someone who laughs at me when im mad, who will never make me cry, and who will die for my love, who will make me realize.... that i.... that im perfect, who thinks im beautyful when im at my worst... someone who will help me love myself....i had it all and i lost it all and i know exactally why i loved him so much.... i konw exatally why it hurt so much... and now i think im ready to let go....ill love him forever just like the ones before... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|07:15 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| | dead to the world | ] |
| [ | the voices in my head are singing |
| | ... | ] |
well, my life in novato is dead....i can never pick up where i left off, i can never just showw up and have everything still be the same as it was when i left. too much has gone by, i have missed too much. im dead to them. and as for here the same old mess as it has been all these years. i miss being happy adn in control of my life. i want to just get out, or away... i keep havin deams bout savvy and its hurts more and more each day... my toes are cold, im hungry and im sick of this filthy house.... things will never change and i wish tey would |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2005|03:52 am] |
cant you see what its like
behind these faded eyes? |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|05:06 am] |
the angels cried
the night he died
with tears of crimson
falling from the sky
they mourned his death
at his grave sight
the night they burried
him alive
and god wore black
to hide his face
with broken dreams
written on his face
to turn and face the blame
without a helping hand
with no more faith
left in his being
god turned his back
to his mistake
he walked away withut admitting
for once he was the one to blame.
we'll paint him a picture
a pretty pretty picture
so he'll always remember
that life didnt matter,
that god didnt care,
and we all grow up to die... |
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| broken family portrait |
[Nov. 26th, 2005|03:51 am] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | the voices in my head are singing |
| | roads adn strangers portishead | ] |
even though he put her through so much, she still loves him... how is this possibile... he abuses her but she still loves him, doesnt seem to care for her but she still loves him... how is this possible? the one man i cared about didnt care when i got hurt after he married katie...but how can a women love a man who disrespects her, abuses her, and doesnt care about her, still love this man... i guess the pain is nothing... maybe its what keeps them together |
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| am i so worng? |
[Oct. 18th, 2005|08:22 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| |  healing...i think | ] |
| [ | the voices in my head are singing |
| | the daydream | ] |
its weird, its like im watching my life pass before my eyes....im empty.... but i miss him more then anything....is thast so wrong? maybe it is... all i can rememebr right now is the way i felt with him... in his arms.... i know i wont forgive him but i will never forget him.... not through all the pain, not through all the confusion..... im simply lost wondering.....forever till i get him back |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|01:01 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| | silence... | ] |
can you feel it? the empty space? the longing for something you cant let go... the pain you cant forget... the thoughts that wont let you sleep at night... the memories that haunt you? cause i can. im locked in a house of nothing but pain, nothing but hurt, nothing... but me....im lost, im confused and im done......i have nothing left to say.... never ever again.......................... |
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| to the one who left me behind |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|07:13 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| | empty | ] |
i almost forgot to say somehting else
and if i cant fit it in
ill keep it ll to myself
i almost wrote a song about you today
but i tore it all up and threw it away! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|08:12 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| | broken... | ] |
| [ | the voices in my head are singing |
| | vermillio pt. 2 | ] |
2 things.... why is it i cant breath ar night, and all i see is you in my dreams?
and 2 my hand always seems to find its way back to you and falls right in place, it always seems to fit... |
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| max has the magic touch |
[Sep. 17th, 2005|11:50 am] |
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last night was cool, our cd burner didnt work and max came over to try and fix it... and it worked.... i was talking to a friend of mine till like 3 in the morning. and today just another boring day... |
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| im at a loss for words |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|09:07 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| |  awake on 20 minutes of sleep | ] |
im at a loss for words in many sences
1) katie thinks im fine with everything which couldnt be further from the truth...
2) i think ian really likes me... notthat bad a problem but could be soon
3) i might hook up with this hot guy michale downtown, hes hot and i like him
4) silent wars are ebing fought between me and sebastion
5) my home life sux major ass... but thats nothing new
6) i hate silence, and i solved that problem
7) my world still sux but its improving slowly
8) the onl good news that i have at this point is "good food" happened with someone at that party last night.... ;) ha ha ha
9) golf is happening now and GOLF FUCKING SUX!!!
10) im weighing my worthfullness and i cant....
11) magick is comming along slowly but surely
12)crying and confusion tend to rule my life....go me
and LUCKY 13) i dont have the answers to the questions i have but i have answers to unknown questions and questions with no answers... i hate this part of life |
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| wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes... |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|06:55 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| |  crushed | ] |
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and make tomorrow better
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and say that i am worth it
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and make me mean something
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and fix my broken heart
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and stand for something in my life
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and give me a special meaning
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and show me how to fix my life
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and hope that ill be happy
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and make me strong
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
and see that i am broken
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
wipe these ugly tears from my bloody eyes
does he talk about me?
does he lie about me?
does he wonder about me?
did i matter to him?
am i just another face in the crowd?
does he dream about me?
does he bitch about me?
does he write about me?
did i make a difference?
am i just not good enough?
does he sing about me?
does he scream about me?
does he forget about me?
did i change him in some way?
am i just that useless? |
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| sketch...my new name |
[Aug. 8th, 2005|09:16 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| |  empty...very....empty | ] |
| [ | the voices in my head are singing |
| | lost prophets | ] |
im at a loss for words honestly. i learned alot about myself over the past week and the problem isnt forgiving kate or sebastion, its forgiving myself... myself of all people. they went through with the merrage and i feel like shit... saddly i cant fix any of it till i forgive myself. i miss my old life, my old friends, my old self. change is good and for the better but sux ass. im startin to get in touch with my powers thanx to robbie. jayson let me down, nicolai treats me like a sex objet instead of an actual person, and i cant look myself in the eyes through a mirror. robbie if you can read this or hear my silent cries help me....alone never seemed so... lonely... scared never felt so....bare....and silence never seemed.... so loud
BTW my new nick name is sketch |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|03:43 pm] |
| [ | they are telling me to feel |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | the voices in my head are singing |
| | seether Driven under | ] |
why did he take that reason away from me...why am i so fucking stupid? will this pain just go away?no no never it will, im just too ugly, im just too stupid, im just too worhtless, im just too broken...aparently i didnt press hard enough, cause i woke up...i hope someone loves me enough to save me from this vertigo. im trying to ech a painful smile upon a face of stone, im just too hurt to see that nothing will be ok... i have a false hope someoene will save me....yes... noone will save me, heres to a lifetime of painful regrets
"she told me she had a gun and it sounded like she used it once before... on me" |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2005|02:22 pm] |
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maybe i was better off not knowing... shawna i love you |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|11:50 am] |
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if only i had a dollar... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 17th, 2005|08:42 pm] |
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im erasing him, he never exsisted, i wish there was another way to make it not hurt so bad, i hate him but love him, and nothing will b ok again |
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